I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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