he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
