but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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