I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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