I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
