i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You are the jesus of drinking
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
FUCK WHALES
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
