My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
