I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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