Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize