i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
