Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
