Your dad touched me again.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He has the fingertips of a God
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