lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
