You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
