my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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