the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
