Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
