I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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