if only i could text you this smell
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He better not be in your backpack
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
