Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
