dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Enjoy the penises
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
