i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Text me some of your sweat
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