at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
