can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
