god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
