I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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