What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
