Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
