i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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