I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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