i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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