u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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