There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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