This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize