Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
