I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
