NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
