I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
