Your face is a jimmy john
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
