You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
