I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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