I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm like, not good at living.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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