Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
