you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Randomize
