Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
