my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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