I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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