yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
