Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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