Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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