she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
