I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
