Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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