I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
