One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
