90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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