textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
