be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
