dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
