i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
