When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
